Health
Your own words can stop a downward spiral
There are times when you experience disappointment as a result of events, situations or relationships that appear totally negative and for which you may feel you had no control.
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At such times, you may feel enveloped by a dark cloud, rendering you feeling powerless and hopeless. These feelings may come about after rejection of an expected job offer, a pay raise or by a lover who has decided to end what you had perceived as a great relationship. Or you may feel overwhelmed by a sense that you cannot meet the requirements of certain tasks or goals. You may experience feelings of despair when you are unable to make a decision and feel incredibly stuck, unable to move in one direction or another.
At such times, it is important to put a positive spin on the negative. The job you wanted may have turned out to be horrible, and you may be better off with a different job. You may have better offers coming your way. Perhaps you attributed more to your relationship than was there. The other person may be afraid of commitment, or you may have demonstrated your own fear of commitment — a problem that has a solution when approached well.
Even though you may have had no control over some events in your life, you must tell yourself that the reality is you are not powerless in all things. In fact, you have more power than you may imagine.
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When confronted with any disappointment, it is important to write down the words you say to yourself about yourself. Read the words and then re-write your statement differently. How you end your statement to yourself can alter your feelings about the situation. You can make a statement that guarantees feelings of hopelessness and helplessness or you can make a statement that creates feelings of personal effectiveness and power.
Review and apply the statements below as an exercise in self-empowerment:
If you feel you must use words such as “I can’t” or “I don’t know,” you must do so adding a positive statement.
For example: I can’t have that job, but I can find another job which may be better.”
I don’t know how to do ______but I do know how to do_____.
Using appropriate words when you talk to yourself will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed and impotent.
Dennis had felt overwhelmed when the new company he worked for as a key employee, piled on difficult tasks with time limits he found impossible to meet. He felt powerless, and inferior — not up to the task. After being reprimanded for not producing results on time, it cemented his feelings and thoughts that it was his fault — that he should have been able to do the required work within the time requested. He convinced himself he was inferior and inadequate. When the company went out of business, Dennis took full blame.
He sulked in his room with the shades down. He lost his appetite, had problems falling or staying asleep and fell into a depression, all the while blaming himself for the demise of the company. His friend convinced him to see a psychologist.
After listening to Dennis, and reviewing his excellent earlier work history, it was clear to the therapist that Dennis was beating himself up over something that wasn’t his fault. It was the therapist’s job to show Dennis, that he, himself, had the power to change his negative, frightened feelings of hopelessness and helplessness by using a few simple strategies. The simple exercises expressed above were among some of his suggestions.
In a few weeks, Dennis had climbed out of his depression and was actively pursuing other work. He soon realized that his standards for himself as an employee were high, and his last employers had pushed him harder than they should have. Dennis was able to recognize and acknowledge that the expectations of the failed company were unrealistic which was the reason for their failure.
Susan and Jerry in their late 30s had been dating exclusively for over two years. They hadn’t discussed their hopes and dreams for the future, but merrily took life one day at a time. They were both employed in jobs that were adequate, but not fully satisfying.
At Susan’s annual gynecological checkup, her doctor informed her that she was peri-menopausal and if she wanted a family, she must act quickly. Soon afterwards, she began to get pressure from her parents to make a decision about marriage and a family.
When Susan shared her new concern with Jerry, he broke off the relationship stating that he hadn’t given any thought to marriage and didn’t consider himself ready. He suggested that Susan look for eligible men who would give her what she wanted. Susan felt hurt and rejected. Missing Jerry, she blamed herself for forcing him to make a decision. Her family told her that the breakup was in her best interests, nevertheless she missed Jerry and felt devastated.
Therapy helped her reframe her feelings of rejection and unworthiness into words that said it was normal to miss someone who had been an important part of her life. She was also able to write a statement that showed she accepted Jerry’s ending the relationship as rejection of marriage and family life and not a rejection of her. She also came to understand that Jerry probably missed her too, but he was looking out for her best interests in stepping away from the relationship to free her to find someone who could meet her needs.
After discarding her negative statements about herself, Susan gained self-esteem and an awareness of what she wanted in life and in a mate.
Dr Ceren is a longtime local psychologist dedicated to improved relationships with self and others. To query: www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com.
